Toxic Positivity
“Just think positively”.
“Just be happy”.
“Life is hard for everyone, you just have to get over it”.
“My friend went through the exact same thing and they didn’t let it affect them”.
Yes, positivity can be toxic. Positivity can be just as toxic and damaging as negativity!
Do not get me wrong, a world without positivity is very dull, cynic, and pessimistic. We can all use AND need positivity in our lives. It is healthy. However, it is only healthy in moderation and when used excessively, it can become extremely damaging.
What is Toxic Positivity?
“We define toxic positivity as the excessive and ineffective overgeneralization of a happy, optimistic state across all situations. The process of toxic positivity results in the denial, minimization, and invalidation of the authentic human emotional experience” -The Psychological Group.com
“Toxic positivity is the idea that we should focus only on positive emotions and the positive aspects of life,” said Heather Monroe, a clinical social worker and director of program development at Newport Institute. “It’s the belief that if we ignore difficult emotions and the parts of our life that aren’t working as well, we’ll be much happier.” -Huffpost.com
Let’s face it, life is hard, and it is hard for everyone. We all encounter a variety of obstacles in our daily lives and yes, some people do have more to deal with than others. However, that does not make it okay to invalidate someone’s emotions (or your own!) for the smaller things or one thing that has happened to them when another person could or has encountered three major setbacks or hurdles.
What Happens When We Practice Toxic Positivity?
Invalidation of Emotions
When something happens in life that is not ideal, such as a break-up, job loss, or even something much bigger, like losing your house or your health takes a huge hit, no matter how big or small, they come with a variety of emotions. Naturally, these emotions typically lean more on the negative side than the positive side. We might feel angry, upset, frustrated, fed up, disheartened, or all of them at once! These are all emotions that are important to feel and these are all emotions that are healthy to feel too.
Feeling some of these emotions helps us slow down or pause and evaluate what is happening to cause them, and then they give us the power to change what has happened- if that is possible. Sometimes events occur that we cannot change, and we can feel similar emotions and that is okay too.
Letting yourself feel these emotions can also put into perspective and allow you to appreciate happiness and excitement.
It also allows you to recognise your vulnerabilities and get to know yourself on a much deeper level and therefore, alert you to your needs. Are you angry and sad because you are overwhelmed? There is an indicator than you need to step back, slow down, and give your body what it needs to heal and appropriately deal with your daily life.
Blocked and Bottled-Up Emotions
Leading on from my previous point, if your emotions are invalidated and you choose not to deal with them, or maybe someone else chooses that for you, where do they go? Do they disappear? If you are blocking it, it does not exist, right?
Well, not quite.
The events which triggered the emotions and the emotions themselves get stored in our brains, even when we refuse to deal with them.
As result, they come out in other ways in our daily lives. Maybe you are making snappy remarks at your friends and family for no reason or you are finding it difficult to get out of bed or eat or exercise. Maybe you are finding it difficult to get motivated for something you normally love doing or maybe you find yourself crying because somebody ate the last slice of bread.
Bottled up and blocked emotions do not just come out through other daily emotions but can also manifest themselves physically. You might find yourself having increased headaches or jaw clenching or your body aches. Maybe you are finding it difficult to get to sleep or stay asleep which can have major impacts on your body too.
What are Some Examples of Toxic Positivity?
“Life is hard”
“You’ll get over it”
“Just be positive”
“Don’t be negative”
“But look at Julie, she dealt with this no problem”
“There are people that have it a lot worse than you, you know”.
What Should We Do or Say Instead?
First of all, you need to recognise the emotions which has arisen from the given situation. After this, do not let anyone let you feel guilty, shameful. or unworthy of feeling these emotions. We want to recognise our emotions, not invalidate them.
Second of all, we want to act appropriately. Are you sad? Allow yourself to have a good cry, eat some chocolate, watch some movies. Give yourself all the self-love you want or need. Are you angry? Exercise is a great way to deal with anger, go for a run or beat a punching bag!
For the people listening to others who feel these emotions, try saying the following instead of something that is Toxic.
“Life I hard” to “That is hard, I am here to listen to you if you need me too”.
“You’ll get over it” to “ It’s okay to feel bad, angry, or sad sometimes”
“Just be positive” to “I am sure it can be hard to feel positive in a situation like this, I am here to listen if you need me to”.
“Don’t be negative” to “It’s never fun to feel like that. Is there anything I can do to help?”
“But look at Julie, she dealt with this no problem” to “Things take time to work through. Allow yourself that time and I am here if you need help”
We need to learn to support, believe, and validate ourselves and others close to us in negative situations and remember, it is okay to feel all emotions and not just the happy ones.
Elise-Teaches.com
